Angry Orchard Crisp Apple

Just like Dick Cheney was once a baby, Facebook was once just a place for friends, beards were once just beards and the Rolling Stones were once a rock band, Angry Orchard's "cider" was once just innocent apples on the limb. Somewhere along the line something went horribly wrong for these poor little fruits and they found themselves pressed into this saccharine slurry euphemistically identified as "cider". Sure cider and Angry Orchard's Crisp Apple share some characteristics, even some basic ingredients, but calling it cider would be like calling Burger King a restaurant or tank tops clothing.

To be fair, Crisp Apple doesn't taste bad really. It just doesn't taste good either, or at all like cider. It tastes like a slightly tart, lightly molasses-glazed, freshly cut slice of a Braeburn, an apple I have a strong affinity for on its own, but not the flavor I'm looking for. Actually, the "cider" would probably make a nice base for a smoothie. Maybe the folks at Angry Orchard should get in touch with Orange Julius or Jamba Juice. Angry Julius? Seriously though, it tastes just like apple juice. It even looks just like apple juice. I emptied one of my son's juice boxes into the sink this morning and it was pretty much identical in color and aroma, though the juice box had been sitting out all night in the heat so perhaps it had fermented a little, giving it the same vague wine-alcohol tinged scent. It would have been so much easier to learn to drink had Angry Orchard been around when I first started dabbling in alcohol. I mean, the pain, struggles and embarrassment I could've saved myself is immeasurable. Perhaps that connection to youth is what draws people to Angry Orchard. A hearkening back to the days when beer tasted gross, liquor was something hidden in your parents' cabinet and wine was for dinners, weddings and communion. The cloying sweetness reminding people of their glory days, those innocent years that shine lambently in their memories.

Thank you Pints and Panels

There's nothing complex about Crisp Apple. It is a straightforward instrument, almost uncouth in its boringness of flavor - caramelized sugar apple. And the "cider" is almost still. I mean, these are some lazy bubbles. I've seen depressed clowns blow more vigorous bubbles at a bar mitzvah. On the plus side, it's less sticky than I recall or expected. So that's good. I fully prepared myself for a mouthfeel like sipping on a bottle of Karo. Instead, it's relatively clean on the palate, and finishes mildly dryly despite the savage amount of sugar in it - 29 grams - and despite clearly being heavily back-sweetened. And all of that sugar does have the added benefit of providing an early onset hangover, so that's nice. You can start dealing with it almost as soon as you finish your last glass.

I suppose that's what happens when you make a "cider" designed to turn a profit for shareholders as quick as possible. You go sweet and let the consumer sort themselves out after the party's over. It can't just be the apples though that are providing all of the sugar. From everything I've read and all of the research I've done, it seems that Angry Orchard's "cider" maker, David Sipes, is exceptionally evasive when it comes to the actual apples that go into his "ciders". He describes in great detail the places he looks for and purchase apples and what he looks for in apples, however, he doesn't seem to ever actually name a single varietal that he uses. Not in any of the three interviews with him I read or on the Angry Orchard website. Just the regions of Italy, France and the Pacific Northwest that he gets them from. He says they use French bittersweets and Italian culinaries but that's as specific as he gets, even when asked specifically what apples he uses (Beervana interview). To produce the amount of cider that they sell year round, the "cidery" is most certainly using concentrate. The secrecy seems a bit hinky if you ask me. I'm for transparency in all things but fantasy football, poker and bathroom doors. Really, I could understand if they were using some exotic cider apple that was in limited supply or if they were in danger of people ripping the recipe off but seriously, no one is going to do that. The "cider" is just not that good. The impression is that he's trying to hide something. Does he use an apple concentrate from a sketchy third party for his base? Does he not know the varietals he uses? Is it really just a mix of brown sugar and natural flavors mixed to approximate the flavor of an apple?

Angry Orchard started national distribution in 2012 and by 2014 their sales captured 50% of the market, a number that would indicate that Sipes and company are on solid footing and have no need to obscure the details of their product. Their consumers are likely the same people who guzzle Pepsi by the gallon, celebrate birthdays at Buffalo Wild Wings and wipe their sauce-soaked faces on their sleeves. The "cidery", backed by the folks at Samuel Adams (the Boston Beer Company, a company whose stock is traded on the New York Stock Exchange) and their boatloads of cash, is unlikely to see much of its market share diminished by revealing what goes into their "cider". Most people who would care don't drink it anyway. It's not like craft cideries are going to start competing with them for apples or cry foul and accuse them of apple abuse even if maybe they should.

In the end, metal heads would never call Bullet for My Valentine or Five Finger Death Punch metal. The literati would never call the Harry Potter series literature. And no self-respecting cider drinker should call Angry Orchard's Crisp Apple a cider. By most standards, it is not. Too much sugar. Not enough of everything else that makes cider good. Really, it's more of an apple drink. Make the cans and bottles a little louder and you could place it directly next to the tallboys of Four Loko, and six packs of Mike's Hard Lemonade and Zima... Actually, if memory serves, Zimas are a a lot dryer than Angry Orchard.

Anyway, if you are a connoisseur of fine, fast acting and supremely punishing hangovers, you love candied apples but wish they were sweeter, or you are new to drinking alcohol, I highly recommend you run, don't walk, down to the local Circle K and grab yourself a couple cans of Angry Orchard's Crisp Apple. You will not be disappointed.

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For more information on Angry Orchard, though not much more, visit them at: http://angryorchard.com/