Punk and hip hop, skating and bike commuting, Buddhism and yoga. Eventually, the world's businessmen work their corporate judo on pretty much everything, commodifying the symbols and feeding fat, intellectually lazy America its young in small, easy to consume bites. One facsimile at a time. A society of destitute simulacrums. That's how you get Blink-182, the X Games, fixed-gear bikes at Wal Mart, Lululemon and on and on and on.And so we come to cider, a thing once removed from the corporate radar which is now bobbing atop the cresting wave of the gluten-free frenzy, though it is only a matter of science and happenstance that it is without gluten, the same way Skittles are gluten-free. Square Mile Cider Co., a psuedo-craft cider from the folks at the Craft Brew Alliance (more on the CBA later), is a shameless attempt to ride that wave. The swill was launched in 2013, less than two years ago, and is clearly trying to make up for its lack of real history with loose implied connections to history and limp, corporate aesthetics designed to simulate an association with classic American heritage. Even the name is designed to claim heritage - it's a nod to the fact that in the 1850s as the U.S. government was trying to settle Oregon, settlers were granted one square mile for moving out here. Furthermore, the description of The Original, the cider I am working my way to reviewing here, even claims that it is "a classic American hard cider" despite being made from red delicious, yellow delicious and jonagold apples, traditional apple varieties to be sure, but they are desert apples, not cider apples.
All of this is to say that I found the cider middling at best. It wasn't terrible but neither was it good. It seems to be caught between trying to be a legitimate hard cider and trying to appeal to as many people as possible. It's the democrat of ciders. A centrist cider. Self-aware enough to make a half-hearted attempt at being a real cider but still concerned enough with popularity to be sweet. It's entirely forgettable. Indistinct. There's nothing that stands out one way or another, and maybe that's on purpose. Maybe it's designed not so much to excite interest but to not offend. Seems kind of cowardly if you ask me, like riding the fence.
It does have a nice, clean cut appearance though, giving off all of the right visual and aromatic cues: very pleasant light yellow color like a translucent golden delicious, very fruity nose, a bit like the smell of canned apricots. (God that looks ridiculous on the page but it's actually true as best as I can tell). It's the taste that's the problem. The flavor is almost bland and it has an easy, almost lazy fizz that could be mistaken for being flat. It is fruity with an exceptionally vague sense of tart dryness that results in a mildly sticky mouthfeel. If I didn't know better, I'd say it almost tastes like an alcoholic, less refreshing version of rosewater. I'm not disappointed in it so much as I don't really care about it. The taste is well, ambiguous, if a taste can be so. I am, however, somewhat angered by the CBA's attempt at hoodwinking trusting cider drinkers into believing they're purchasing a craft cider when they spend their $3.50 on a 24oz. bottle of The Original.The name connotes some kind of history, some connection to being the first though it is not, neither in terms of ciders made in Oregon or in terms of ciders made by Square Mile - their other cider, Spur & Vine was released in conjunction. I will be honest here, I do bare a bit of a grudge against Square Mile because they are a creation of the Craft Brew Alliance (http://craftbrew.com/brands/), the same people who own Widmer Brothers, Kona Brewing, Red Hook and Omission, and who recently happily jumped in bed with that paragon of independent craft brewing, Carl's Jr. In fact, the CBA is not a craft brewer at all according to the Brewers Association, being almost 33% owned by Anheuser-Busch and being the country's 9th largest brewer (though it is behind Sierra Nevada and New Belgium, two respected craft brewers). The CBA is 100% in the business of making money and this is just another revenue stream for them. Sam Adams has Angry Orchard and so the CBA has Square Mile. Obviously all craft brewers, cider and otherwise, must make money to keep the doors open and the lights on but I want to believe that for real craft brewers, the sales are secondary to the cider or beer itself. And I'm sure the Widmer Brothers and whoever started Red Hook originally set out to make good beer. Okay, so maybe not Red Hook (http://mikesbrewreview.com/breif-history-of-redhook/). But the CBA clearly is an attempt to suck every cent out of the market. I suppose there are sellouts in every scene.
So, the next time you feel a strong hankering for something that tastes boldly like nothing, that is daringly tame, that truly lingers in your memory only as long as it's in your hand, rush on down to your neighborhood Wal Mart and reach for a Square Mile Original. It won't make you happy, but it won't make you sad either. Here's to no feelings at all. Usually you have to drink a lot more to get there. Cheers!
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For more information, visit the Square Mile Cider website at: http://squaremilecider.com/ciders/
